Written some time in August
What they say about first impressions is true. And firstly I am so thankful I have this platform. It is beyond relaxing and therapeutic.
When they left I said that they were dead to me. When I heard the news of her death I said that I have to keep moving forward.
I am moving forward. Each day I have assigned a section of my life to work on. Previously I have failed. I have not been able to dedicate my time to FORA, STUDY, or READ. With FORA it was the case of my parents taking away the pressure after two hours of reading Qur’an, with STUDY it was packing for the beach trip and frankly because I hadn’t taken account of just how much I was able to do. This is always the thing with studying. I don’t start out right. I don’t see how long things will take me. And in the end I feel as though each task is not monumental, that it in itself is simple. I know that working hard is about constant pushing. But the brain – my brain – refuses to do work. The beach trip took away the time to read, the parents had decided to spend most of Wednesday sightseeing (but there isn’t much to do, but even then seeing the beach during the night was worth everything I love having that memory inside me) and Thursday I did manage to snooze but very self-consciously so. The image of Dad wobbling, losing balance, and falling into the sea will stay in my mind. I ran to him, but was comforted with the knowledge that the sea was shallow and that he got up.
In essence I have a few things to learn from these failures. So that I can make these failures successes. Firstly: I shouldn’t do anything in order to get the “parents off my back” so to speak. My worship is my own, it is measured through my own parameters however much that may piss them off. They will be happier, God willing, in the long run. Secondly: I really need to see how long it will take me to do things before I assign tasks to each day. Assigning UfYH-style times to each task, writing down what I’m doing each day in the morning before I do this…this is the next step. I already have my morning routine down pat. I need to get my sleep routine down too because as I’ve figured out being a morning person isn’t my thing so I might as well make the morning a lot easier by getting ready for the day the night before. It will also make me anticipate the next day and inshaAllah start on the right foot that way.
That’s two things. Do things for yourself when it comes to everything, but especially your FORA. Before you start the day write down how many 20/10s and 45/15s you will require for each task and plan todoist and Tide app accordingly. Also write down what playlist you’ll be listening to for each section. Do this in your journal. Spend the night reading. Spend the day working hard. Sleep, but if you haven’t gotten the day’s tasks done yet please sacrifice your sleep to do so. Your past self will thank you. There are always going to be setbacks. Always going to be heartbreaking news. You will often climb out of the sea and seek the love of your parents as you break apart inside. How will you function in life? The stream of questions that came out of your mouth after you lost your glasses. But gaze out into the shore. See how the waves keep on meeting the shore. The sand is still sand. The waves are still crashing. Take a few deep breaths. Go back in. Go do Some Stuff.
Written now, this morning after stumbling upon the piece above.
There’s something about going to the beach, I don’t know what to say. Something about that trip stuck within me. After the beach trip I came home on a Thursday and a friend messaged me. She told me the heartbreaking news. And then I wrote this, I wrote about moving forward. I wrote a slew of practical tips that would help me tread the water. They’re working.
At the beach, being a total idiot, I forgot that I was wearing my glasses so when I went into the water I immediately lost them. And while it was quite a stupid thing (and I am trying not to laugh out loud like an imbecile as I recall it) underneath this humour I can recall the despair and the panic that I felt about losing something I was entirely dependent on. I climbed out of the water to where my father was and asked him a series of questions without stopping for breath as my panic bubbled up to the surface. Of course he said he couldn’t get it for me, my glasses were lost to the sea. But I stayed next to him, and let the constant noise of the waves meeting the sand, of the wind, of the people speaking all around – I let that soothe me. I calmed down.
And later, having gotten used to my unspectacled self and having dismissed that certain problem I thought about my growing mountain of tasks that awaited me, tasks that I was supposed to be annihilating despite this holiday. And I sat in the sand for blimmin’ ages just thinking. And I so, so glad to say that the just thinking has worked. It’s working.