My body does that.

Freewrite #34

I was waiting at the Doctor’s today and my mind went on to thinking about how I felt in Year 7 about five years later, about being in Year 11. And now look at me? I’m way past all of that. I wondered what parts of me I had lost and what parts I had gained.

What shall I write about in this freewrite?

I’m ill, and very frustrated with my body as a result. People my age seem to be doing things much better than I can and it’s so undignifying to be going home every other day because of how I feel.

I need to concentrate. Went to the doctors, found out some scary information that I already knew about anyway (but don’t want confirmed, at all). I guess I understand how people resist having operations done to them even though those operations are key to their improvement. I don’t want to be diagnosed even though it is the first step to my treatment – perhaps because I want to continue living the illusion of “normal” person for a while longer.

This is unbelievable – I’m unbelievable – are humans always this contradictory?

I remember when a friend who wasn’t so dear to me gasped and looked at me with such grave concern when I joked about getting cancer (mortality wasn’t as morbid-sounding as it is now and I had no idea of the offence behind my words) and I realised that this friend I didn’t regard so closely cared for me so much. She didn’t want me to die of a terminal illness but it looks like I’m headed there anyway.

I don’t have cancer, thankfully. I am not dying of a terminal illness as of yet. But what I do have scares me with the possibilities of what this can become in the future. I’m frustrated and bitter – especially because this will never go.

Even now it befuzzles me I mean isn’t life a terminal illness anyway? There’s no way I’ll live an “optimal” life reaching my full potential whatever that may have been anyway so what does it matter? Right?

I don’t know. I feel funny these days and I’m ill and what’s to come, always what’s to come, is daunting and I need more guts than I’d think to have. This year has been all about that isn’t it? No wonder I feel nauseous all the time – my guts have been asked for way too many times to be healthy.

Aye, c’est la vie.

What else shall I talk about?

There’s three minutes left. I’m wracking my brain but I have a huge block on it which is stopping me from grasping a topic so easily. I need to watch more anime. Ah, good topic. Recently made a list of anime I’ve watched (twenty four shows), want to watch (twenty), want to rewatch (four) and read the manga of (four). If you have any recommendations I’d be grateful! I love fantasy mostly, um the Greats, and shojo/josei anime. An anime I’d recently been fangirling over is Karneval, only 13 episodes but they were the 13 episodes of my life.

Go check it out.

Right, that’s it. Oh yes, and animes I’m currently watching are: Fairy Tail (ongoing), Death Note (I watched up to when the Death Note gets given to the circle of businessmen and am rewatching on episode 2) and A Certain Magical Index (on episode 5 and surprisingly it’s pretty cool but the plot is slow as and the music doesn’t suit the scenes).

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5 thoughts on “My body does that.

  1. It’s absolutely devastating when our bodies go out of control. I hope everything’s going fine and that you’re getting better. Take good care of your body and all that. I don’t know, man. Everything I say seems so hollow when I try to make people feel better.
    On the other hand, there’s an anime/manga that I really recommend–Haikyuu. It’s about volleyball and has a really positive vibe, so check it out if you’re interested!

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    1. Thank you so much for the rec! I’d previously considered Haikyuu but I didn’t want to properly dive into it because the plot doesn’t sound all too exciting – but I’m definitely putting it on the “to watch” list now that you’ve praised it so! I used to strictly watch shojo anime (I mean, at one point I guess we all did?) but I’m branching out now and it’s awesome seeing the variety and depth in the anime world. One other positive-vibe anime I’d recommend is Chihayafuru!

      And your words aren’t hollow to me Melody. That you’ve reached out and sent your well wishes to me is testimony to that! I will definitely spend a lot more time taking good care of my body – I think part of this post was about how fed up I was with my body in the first place, so good care is definitely called for now.

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  2. Oh no, Mawa. I’m so very sorry, I’m absolutely devastated. I’m really hoping this isn’t the case and it’s been a mistake. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve just tweeted you, but please DM me whenever you get a chance. My heart aches 😢

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  3. “isn’t life a terminal illness anyway?” < :O!!
    I hope you’re ok and everything gets better inshaAllah! I love the reflective nature of this post and again, I hope everything’s alright with you.

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