A current response to a past headspace

Freewrite #39

I’ve published my first one of these freewrites properly on The Controversy. It’s surprising reading how good with words I was at a time when I was still figuring this school thing out. That’s the thing about tragedies, you often realise that if you stuck it out with the brilliance just a little more you would be much, much better equipped.

I’ve been stressing about Results day. I know I’ve been wanting to welcome my loved ones more inclusively into my life and find the balance between being a lone wolf of sorts and not letting them take complete reign over my life but, like with all things, finding the balance is hard. I’d rather focus more on actually getting things done – I remember finding the balance for that earlier on in the year or maybe last year and it felt incredibly weird to have reached my goal for a bit. That must have been when I was thinking about sacrificing where I am for my family. Because it did feel lonely at the top.

I think that I want to use The Controversy as some sort of open speaking place. It’s where I get to make the calls so the whole comfort-zone thing is not too bad.

I need to push myself.

Sorry. I’ve been awfully distracted. I need to pee. This whole bladder thing is annoying the heck out of me. My body does that.

I got the hipster debate vibes today as well. And glanced at my arms which are prickly and filled with coarse hairs and coarser skin. It’s horrible, sometimes. Being me, that is.

And what worth is the love of people, if you don’t love yourself?

And I know that part of letting people in is to listen to their problems and talk about your own and share that burden. But in some of my friendships I am the one who is burdening (sorry R) and in others it is my friends who are burdening me. Often it gets to the point where I do not want to share my problems knowing fully well that this person has problems themselves. Why would you listen? You are hurting, yourself. You have your own problems to deal with.

I am a lone wolf. I am my father’s daughter.

And that’s what matters, right? I know these people – they’re in my life. Sometimes it is incredible how old I am getting and how many babies I have seen and other times I remember that, gosh Mahima, you really cannot do anything about it.

It is not even an instruction when they say Life goes on or Move forward, no it is a description. A stating of the obvious.

I am feeling uninspired. Perhaps it is the bladder. Perhaps it is how starved I have been of quality goods that I feel sure enough to speak about. Perhaps because my drafts on The Controversy dashboard is -1 (Lord).

I am coming back. Getting there – to the point where I am getting everything done – is good but it doesn’t feel like anything. It is just the constant push, push, pushing.

On a different topic entirely I am really feeling the love for Colourful Promises. SL has shown her love for Benjie and it was the first thing SY said when she saw the post on her feed – that she completely loved Benjie.

Benjie who is a cool person himself but a secondary character in the first book. I have left so much wiggle room with Colourful Promises but the concept is strong. The first draft will be thorny but the themes and the ideas and even most of the dynamics of the people are so concrete and solid that I know that all the redrafts will be much better.

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