This is what to say when you love people

Freewrite #27

I have a lot I need to get off my chest today. In particular (as of this moment) I fear that my eyesight is declining rapidly. I don’t know how to improve my eyesight, that always comes as a surprise, but I have focused on trying not to worsen my eyesight. Says a lot, doesn’t it? I don’t seek to improve – I’m very much so more scared of everything going downhill.

Although I’ve come to realise that improvement is where it’s at. I’d mocked improvement, self-improvement, y’know everything those books and sites have preached, but I’m in the awkward position of not knowing what to do with myself and so I went to them for help. There are lots of websites out there making money off my sadness and “stuckness”, and it all stinks of American capitalism.

Newsflash: capitalism is dying out. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but it’s what the newspapers have said and newspapers never lie.

Hah.

What else do I want to talk about? Oh yes, shame. Of being wrong. I can see it now – it’s horrible. I feel like the main character in a tragedy, I’ve realised my hamartia and I’m going down, down, down. Tragedies are spiced with a sense of damn it’s too late. I don’t much find the protagonists relatable though. I think they’re stupid idiots who deserve what they get.

What? Wise words were once preached, something along the lines of being harsher towards yourself than towards others.

If those protagonists are gits, what does that make me? Far worse, though, from inner hate or self-criticism, is when even those you love show you just how far you’ve gone from yourself.

I’m out here on the edge, and it isn’t fun. It isn’t what I thought it would be – maybe because I’ve sacrificed the ties I have with my family in order to get to where I am now. Maybe it’s so very ironic because where I am ain’t all that anyway. If I stuck with my family, made sacrifices, and y’know worked harder for different things I’d be somewhere fun with people I love. Isn’t that the big thing?

What can I say now? I’ve realised my hamartia, but I don’t know how to get to a place where I’m happy. I mean I do. But before I can work towards my happiness, and the happiness of others, before I can follow the age-old wisdom of opening up and communicating I need to allow for time for wounds to cool down and heal. Before I move forward I need to be this person, this second villain, and I need to lie on the bed I’ve made.

I know I’ll get up soon enough, but for now let comfort be something far and beyond me. Let the ones I need to be happy heal.

I’ve still got some time left. Most of the time it seems so. I don’t know. Fine I do know. I’m going to listen more. Soon it will be days of celebration, this coming week, and in a few months two mothers will give birth to their glowing children and I need to be there for them. I need to be there for the celebrations. The people I need to be with are here, they are hurting because of my actions and words, and I am sorry. But there’s always hope now, now that it feels like the dawn has risen and another day has come for me to make amends. Amends are easy to make when days of happiness are approaching – and I just hope acceptance comes easily. Forgiveness is something I need to teach myself not to expect.

What else can I say? I’ll be listening more, yes. Asking more, heeding more. I’ll be shifting my priorities and communicating more. I want their advice and their love and their support. I can’t work in a one-man-band, even if I was able to do so damn, I’d just be a circus act. I’d be ridiculous. It is the circle of strength, the social network of support that gives life to my causes.

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