Changes and Heads Up

In the beginning…

In Year 9, pre-GCSEs, we had a term (semester) in English where we learnt about media. Early on in the term our English teacher set us a task: create a blog, and post on it once a week or so. That would be our homework for the next month or so, but because she didn’t check up on our blogs (there were at least thirty of us, we were all fourteen years old or so) I got away with just posting an introductory post, bestowing some sort of significance upon my blog and saying Hello.

And while allthingswordy had definitely started then, on the 5th of March 2013, perhaps The Beginning came a lot earlier.

THE CONTROVERSY (1)

I grew up surrounded by books. Before that I was surrounded by love. My parents used to have a rough marriage, and lots of bad fights. But I was their hope, their first baby, the one that came after eight years of marriage – a long time, even longer in my Bengali family’s eyes, to be without a child running around the house.

I’ve always thought I was the sort of baby that loved staying inside her head. My parents showered me with eight years of repressed love, and I cannot begin to describe how weird it is to look back on my baby photographs and become awash with the feeling of being smothered by a love I can’t remember.

I digress. I loved books – we had a small library just underneath our flat which I attended just as much as any book lover out there. Mum nurtured my hunger for knowledge with both children’s stories, but also Islamic books. I was a nonfiction-er from a very young age.

And reading all those books paid off. Secondary school was where I got hold of my calling. PSHE was fun back then, like Circle Time but sitting on chairs instead of the floors and only minimal ‘fruit-salading’. Chinese Whispers remained popular though. Every single “lecture” I’d give to my peers was dotted with “I read somewhere…”. Books gave me the courage to move forward, to harbour contradictory ideas, to love my humans so dearly because of their “inexhaustible variety of life”.

From books, and reading then, we got the blog. Allthingswordy is my masterpiece – I spent a solid three years on the blog, understanding what it means to love books and blog about it, meeting glorious people, lighting the match to my creative flame, having lots and lots and lots of fun.

As my blog grew so did I. When you grow up it makes sense that your sense of self-worth would shift from one thing to another. In my early years it was my ability read, during secondary school it was my ability to harbour ideas through my books, and during the productive days of Year 10 and Year 11 it was the growth of my blog, that great jump from a mere fifty followed to two hundred , now three hundred that made me walk with more of a spring to my step. I mattered. The work I had spent into making my blog what it was had started to bear its fruit. Soon enough though, my self-worth shifted again like the constant refocus of the camera lens, allthingswordy – my pride, my joy, and all the content I had made that was mine to adore was no longer enough.

in the middle…

Last year Something Big happened. Something that pretty much shattered me beyond compare. I was filled with emo vibes, confusion, and hurt. My brain was hurting and also extremely frazzled. Among all that, I was learning how to be myself when no one is looking – yeah, that sort of growing up. I was travelling on my own, had taken it upon myself to have a few responsibilities, and was still completely shaken up.

It took a year to recover, but now that I have (like it’s this resolute, it’s a cycle, I’m bound to lapse back into grief) I’ve realised that who I am, what “stuff” I choose to stuff the core of my soul with – has well and truly changed.

changes and heads up

Throughout last year it became harder, and harder, to blog. So much so that early on this year I went through a lot of changes with allthingswordy (I apologise, long-time readers, for this), but no, I still couldn’t get back to who I was before the Something Big. I had lost my passion and zeal for blogging about books, as much as I love books I couldn’t work on the whole “brand” part of blogging and allthingswordy, sadly, was no longer who I was.

Yes sure, I’m 100% bookish, but I have bigger priorities now. My values have changed, and as much as I love books and have taken them in, that bloody Pinterest quote was right: the world is out there, and no matter my copious amount of reading I wasn’t prepared.

In the end…

I intellectualise my emotions. I like to talk about what I’m currently hurting over in the most academic and philosophical way possible. I have ideas, and dilemmas, and contentions – and sometimes I wish I was angrier, but then I see the benefits of kindness and hope to whoever’s listening that I can one day be so compassionate.

The Controversy was a long time coming. Throughout all these phases, I’ve always been one thing: myself. Whether I was blogging about books, writing poetry, giving you my latest two cents on Islamophobia…I was expressing my ideas.

And allthingswordy is no longer the platform I feel happy enough to express these ideas. I wanted to carve out an area on the internet that was for me, and for people like me, who sit on the fence a couple thousand times simply because picking a side goddamn hurts. 

I am dramatic, slightly pathetic and very silly. But your encouragement over the years, be it face to face, or online, has been more than enough.

Thank you.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Changes and Heads Up

  1. I just found your blog and can’t believe I have missed out on so much. Your blog is absolutely gorgeous and I legitimately idolize your writing. I’m so sorry to hear about your rough patches, but I can definitely relate in that blogging has been such a journey. I love to write, but whenever I tried it seemed that I just sounded too immature or I didn’t like my theme… in the end, school and other commitments just got in the way and I quit blogging for a while. Now I’m back and I hope to continue, not just because I like to blog but because I think it’s so important for me to have a place to express myself and develop my voice.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for having this space on the blogosphere! You are such an inspiration to me. Much love xxx
    Meghna
    http://www.penintobattle.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. I am speechless in the best way possible.

      Writing all of that, starting anew with this blog – all I knew was that I wanted to speak out, and that the people I could only hope for reception from were my old readers.

      I am beyond grateful and very shocked at how much you seem to be inspired by this. Thank you Meghna.

      And I am so glad that you’ve decided to keep on blogging, to not abandon it. Over the years I’ve come to appreciate blogging so much, and the reasons you’ve given for continuing to blog are what I’m all about! If you have any difficulties or qualms about what you’re writing, feel free to contact me. I’d love to support you through your journey, and I am beyond sure that you’ll smash it if this is how courageous you are now.

      Maybe that isn’t the word you’d use, but it’s definitely one I’m applying to this!

      Thank you for your infinitely kind comment – I am shocked. I didn’t expect support from any new readers, and nowhere near to this extent (really? I’ve inspired you? I am so, so happy right now).

      hugs
      Mahima

      Like

      1. You are so welcome, Mahima! I would love to become better blogging friends and I hope to keep in touch with you :).

        -Meghna

        Like

  2. Oh oh this was incredible to read. Your writing is amazing, which is just proof of being 100% a bookworm, right?! I attribute my love for writing because I’ve been reading aaaall my life. But anyway, I’m glad you had books when you were younger and I feel sad for you about your parents. And sadder about the Something Big. sends you warm waffles But starting a new blog and just doing it all again is REALLY brave and I totally admire you for this! I hope this blog is everything you hope it’ll be! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ MORE.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What a marvelous post, Mahima–although I’m so sorry to hear that last year was so difficult for you. While I obviously don’t know what the Something Big was, it sounds like it’s been a very hard thing to adjust to, and I’m sending you big (albeit a bit belated) hugs and well-wishes.

    Regarding the changes in your blog, I do think your blogging voice has changed and developed over the past year or so. I wasn’t very active in the blogging community in 2015, and when I finally started getting back into it and ended up back on allthingswordy, I really did notice that your voice seemed to have changed and matured over the interim. Your new tone seems more intellectual, and also quite confident, while remaining very engaging, and it’s very interesting to read your take on things! And I certainly understand feeling the need for a new blog; sometimes we change enough that the same platform and branding simply doesn’t fit right anymore.

    Anyway. I hope things are going well for you, and I’ll look forward to seeing more from you here at The Controversy. Sending hugs your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Taylor. hugs back
      I can’t help but think about just how much we’ve changed. You too have gone through quite a few changes since nearly two years ago (blimey), but I think that change is a good thing. Sometimes things tend to speed up that process of change, but the reason I pushed to change allthingswordy to The Controversy so much, is because during my sporadic posting time last year I still received warm encouragement, and your comment is testimony to the fact that probably the best thing about blogging is meeting and making friends with such awesome people as yourself!
      Thank you for still visiting my blog, still commenting so kindly, and I too am looking forward to blogging here (if only because I know that you guys are still here, by some miracle still listening to what I have to say).
      Much love, Taylor. Thank you!

      Like

  4. You’ve always mattered, even if it hasn’t always felt that way, YOU MATTER.

    I’ve always been enamored by your intellect and ability to see the world Mawa, with a healthy dose of hope, skepticism and to see the beauty in what so many of us take for granted. It sounds as though you’ve been though a life changing period of self reflection and realisation, something so many of us are never aware enough to realise sadly. I went through the same period in my early twenties and it truly is life changing. I remember when I first started reading All Things Wordy, even back then you were such a different girl to who you are now. You seem to much more confident in who you are now as a person, as a woman and a woman who explores the world through books and life experience. I’ve loved seeing your transformation and I can’t tell you how excited I am to see the next chapter in your story ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, Kelly, first and foremost thank you – like a helluva lot. Your comments are gold, and I can’t stress just how grateful I am for knowing you’ve been reading my blog for all this time, and you’re still here. Haha.
      Thanks also, always, for the affirmation, and for giving me the encouragement and support I needed to continue writing, and to continue expressing myself. I think it’s always hard, blogging, and putting myself out there and with The Controversy I plan to do that every single time I post. These are my thoughts, and it’s always whenever I have given my two cents on a subject that I have received your motivating comments.
      I just hope that all of this is life changing – in the best ways possible.

      Like

Your Thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s