Drake, Butts and this Bullsh*t Generation

Hello, folks. Mahima  here. Do you remember a very long time ago I said a little something about Guest Posts on this blog? Well, here’s our first one. It’s absolutely brilliant (far better than my meagre talents)! 


Urm…. Hi?

I’m here to take all the internet’s happenings and condense ’em into a pile of words so you can trick your friends into thinking you actually know what’s going on in the world even though nothing matters. *sigh*

It’s always great to start on a bright mood.

I guess I should introduce myself? Firstly, I’m new to this, so I would like to apologize in advance if I butcher the art of blogging which I probably will do from the outset. Sorry. I know Moosha very well because of school. We were well acquainted in that institution of pain and misery which I love immensely. Sadly, I’m a huge fan of A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones; that means that now I have severe trust issues. I can speak a whole bunch of languages which include: English, Somali, Swedish, Canadian, American, Australian and French (but very horribly). Before I dial down the grandiose knob, I should say that I like watching movies, I am a dirty screen squatter.

Dirty.

Anything those Hollywood studs shit out in their movie-magic Porta-Potties, I will shove my face down the bowl and rub it all over my body – patiently waiting for the shittier sequel.

My name is Mascuud or Heisenburger; sorry if they’re both hard to pronounce. I also say ‘sorry’ a lot. Sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable. I’ll stop.

Let’s move right on.

I’m gonna be honest Internet, I love internet trolling especially when it’s to people that aren’t me! You know what they say ”If you can’t laugh at yourself then laugh at celebrities”, they have enough money to get over it. I’ve recently discovered the beauty of ”draking”. This breathtaking idea was invented in Drake’s hometown of Toronto by fellow blogger Lauren O’Neil. Before I tell you about it, I think you guys should take a seat. The concept is taking photos of Drake and sticking his multi-million visage on wheelchair symbols which exemplifies his character from Degrassi and it’s borderline offensive and borderline hilarious just like all the best things in life, you’ve seen movies.

The generation that we live in now is one of the greatest….. and by ‘greatest’, I really do mean strangest. From our SnapGrams to our FaceVines it’s all incoherent madness! I assume I’m speaking to young, hip people and not old, hipless folk: the Ancient Egyptian blog papyrus script is just a click away. Not too long ago you may have seen how people go too far for the internet. A group has covered the stairs of a cathedral with two thousand buttcheeks that belong to the self-proclaimed ”Harajuku Barbie”, Nicki Minaj. They did this in order to promote a music festival in Finland…. I have no idea why but it’s pretty funny!

What I love about the internet is how much lies that exist within it, kinda like my childhood. We lied about Katy Perry having a song coming out called 1984, similar to T-Swift’s album 1989 which I don’t listen to in secret. The two stars have been rumoured to be ‘beefing’ which confuses me a lot because if I had half as much money as either of them, I wouldn’t beef with anybody because we all know that money = happiness. But, it turns out that the 1984 doesn’t even exist. People made it up and people believed it! Firstly, I thought it would’ve have been about Big Brother (there’s my obligatory book reference so that this can be posted on here). Secondly, what’s with all these songs the 80s. Songs about the 80s would actually be about nobody wearing those Jazzercise costumes, The Simpsons having just started and this is as good as it will ever be, Reaganomics not working, people still love Michael Jackson; don’t make fun of him yet and OJ not doing that thing he’s definitely gonna do. Hopefully the old, hipless folk haven’t left so they could explain those references to you!

I’ve been told that I have offended way too many people and I in fact have ‘butchered the art of blogging’.

My career as a blogger ended faster than the Anglo-Zanzibar War.

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